RPatz aint got nothin on me

So I haven't logged on for a while and when I do, WHAM!, I'm slapped in the face by millions of adoring and angry fans who want to know Why? WHY! have i stopped writing posts.

The answer is simple. This is a blog about cheap food in Melbourne, written by a student for students... and I'm not studying but WORKING (a lot!) atm so... thats why.

Yeah, i dont really have time for your neediness.

But, a little known fact about my lovely self is that i think there should DEF be a "Melbourne on a shoestring" guide and so i thought i should outline some of the unique characters you may encounter in Melbourne. You know. Just to do my bit.

And there are a few main types...

The Gucci Asian:

(Disclaimer: I do not think all Asians do this. Its just that these people happen to come from Asia and do this. White people do this but they are just weird rich white people. They are not Gucci Asians.)

I work in Carlton, yeh? And what famous uni is in Carlton? Melbourne Uni. And who can afford to go to Melbourne uni? rich Asians. And REALLY really really smart... other people.

So the Gucci Asians habitat is Carlton, Melbourne Uni and thats about it. Wanna know why? Coz they can actually afford to live in the middle of the city. Granted, they live in tiny apartments, but still.

They derive their name from the often toted complementary-with-purchase gucci store bag. Now, im not saying that whats in this brown and gold bag is ACTUALLY gucci. It could be their modestly prepared lunch. But the point is that They wear head to toe labels. Ie on a typical gucci asian you will see: Burberry cap, ralf lauren polo, jeans, gucci shoes and a gucci satchel.

Why gucci?

I dunno, do i look like an expert?

no.

well, actually i kinda do but its more the glasses than anything.

The Vegan:
(Disclaimer: not all people who behave in this manner are vegans, and not all vegans behave in this manner. But by god, if it was a Venn Diagram... baby, they'd be closer then Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt on a promo tour)

Oh, god. The vegans...

S0 your walking down Brunswick St, yeah? And your thinking your pretty cool. And your marvelling at all the really cool, weird little niche stores. And you think to yourself, Aint it grand that Melbourne encourages you to be a little different? And not in a mass-emo sort of way.

AND THEN.

You accidentally walk into Pretentious Central. Yep, those clothes are feral. Yep, that price tag does not have a tiny invisible dot point. It really is 400 dollars. Yes, it does look like its selling the wardrobe off The Matrix.

The only label accepted to be seen on a Vegan is Ray Bans, and they're Vintage, so you cant have them.

See, the vegan hates it when it looks like they are wearing a label. They hate it when the look like they care about their appearance. They're sort of the only child of the universe.

Thats why they wear only shades of grey. Thats why there is a secret love affair going on between vegans and peroxide. Thats why the amount of hair shaved off is in direct proportion to their perceived cool factor. Thats why they wear thin leather shoes that were very popular in 1930s Russia.

Coz, you see, Vegans are just as shallow as us. Thats what makes them so annoying. They are like emos except they are adults.

(Another thing they have in common with emos is that they are all pretty skinny.)

Sigh.
^^^^
Thats their native call sign.

TheRichList:

(Disclaimer: you know what? these people really are dicks. Im sticking to my guns on this one.)

Oh, when you see one youll know. You just wanna punch/shake them when you do. And, for some bizzaro reason, they seem to haunt public transport, shouting something ridiculous or laughing at decibels only dogs can hear at something inane.

Sorry. They just.... Yep.

TheRichList have phones attached at the palm and seem to do ordinary daily tasks without putting them away. They eat, they chat, they... well ive never really seen them do anything other than that, but i assume that whatever else they may do they do not put their phone away.

They are sort of the antithesis of the Vegan. They wear head to toe labels. Their plain white tee? Its from Sass&Bide.

The gladiator flats?

Wittner.

Hair?

Rokk Ebony.

Smell Chanel? Oh, I bet you do.

Anyways, their naturally habitat is South Yarra and Toorak. Oh, and if jail bait is a problem for you check photo ID if they look younger then 35. Coz the median age of these girls? About 16.

For some reason they have great skin, hair and bodies. I think its all their money that does it.

Bridge & Tunnel

(Disclaimer: Not all people from the burbs who come into the city on weekends are like this, but again. Use a little imagination and a bit of common sense and youll have to agree with me.)

Oh, you kids. Or should i say, yous kids. Coz mispronunciation of common words is like a thing with these people.

The Women: They drive crappy white cars, left school at 16, have a close personal friend who got pregnant before that time, wear hair extensions that are longer than their dresses and look as those their blush was applied via the Paint application.

Daa Men Mate: Oh, GHD love these little critters. For some reason they think its a good idea to randomly bleach parts of their hair. I dont know why... and then they straighten it. They go to the hairdressers and show pictures of porcupines and say "Bro, i want that. Sick as." Again, not sure why. It kinda looks like a modern mullet. Less business tho, more D***head. They think that ten year old Nissan Skyliners are the best car. They refer to their friends as Coz. Whilst starting drunken fights with them.

They come in and perform their mating rituals at Crown Casino. They think its a good idea to start fights with bouncers. Its not.

Co Do

Dear Followes (all two of you)

My hearty apologies for my failure to keep up a consistant work ethic. I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere. As is my spelling.

And no, dear readers. I have no new and cheap restaraunts to entice you with.

So much sadface.

I blame it on 2 things: uni being over (i now have time to cook meals) and Arrested Developement.

Its just so good, you know? It makes me want to rush home and watch it.

Actually, also i have no internet at home so that could contribute.

"BUT ENOUGH WITH THE EXCUSES!" I hear you say (in the style of Tobias, naturally). "We want more reviews!"

And who am i to deny the hearts desire?

So i will just el-casueel look through my iphone to see if i have anything.... There!

Ok so i went to a place called Co Do and its in Little Vietnam. The vietnamese rolls were good. The duck was too sweet...

See! This is what happens! When you force me to do everything! I crack under the pressure! I wont! I wont do it anymore!

In the style of Gob, naturally.

This may just be the lamest thing ever.

Miss Libs

Corner of Swanston St and Franklin St, next to Aldi

Miss Libs is an awesome bar and as such, i thought i would share with you another little gem of Melbourne. It is a Bar, but this blog is not called "Moderately priced drinks Melbourne", is it? No. The answer is No.

So why am i writing about it? Simply because Miss Libertines has an awesome selection of stuff to eat whilst you downing several G&Ts. It has a small laminated menu, at the bar and on some of the tables, that has a list of $5 pizzas (thats right, FIVE DOLLARS) that a quite delectable. It also has stuff like chips with aioli (or however its spelt) and wedges and nachos and all that other horrible sounding pub food. But, actually, its quite tasty.

ATTENTION: SEE SMILEY FACE /\ thats by my creative friend Sarah.

side note: is "creative" another word for "dear lord must you harrass me"? Anyone? No?

I used to get the Audrey Deluxe pizza on Friday night happy hours. Its a delicious pizza with bacon and cheese and wonderfully fresh tasting spring onion. Sounds crazy but it works! It really does.

It was Sarahs birthday this weekend so on the Friday we took her out for after work drinks. We professed a desire to eat, but the peeps with us were going out for dinner after so they did not want to. This is where Miss Libs shines. Because the pizzas are small and un-offending you can sit there, stuffing your face, whilst other people delicately sip at there drinks. And u dont feel bad. Brilliant.

I forget which one the picture is of. Sorry. But i have word its tasty.

It was also the first time id had the chips there and they were so good that i went back on Monday and got some more. They are thick cut and tasty.

So yer, i recommend Miss Libs. Its a cool bar, and a nice place to eat.

Name and Shame

Seriously, guys. I do not want to do this. But its pretty well my civic duty to... NAME AND SHAME SHITTY RESTARAUNTS.

Yep. Its a ugly business this food reviewing stuff.

So i had a late start on Sunday (its a very long story) and decided to have a little time to myself, get a late lunch, see a movie, do a bit of walking around the greatest city in the world... that sort of stuff. So i thought i would pop in to Shanghai Dumpling House and get me some DUMPLINGS yum...

But i thought it was closed so i went next door, to Shanghai Noodle House. Just thinking about it makes me feel a little ill. i ordered the dim sims...


sorry to have left it there i just had to go vomit. no but for reals, the dim sims were brown and disugsting. Im not actually sure they were technically dim sims, and i did have to call the waiter/idiot over to explain himself. Yes, they are what you ordered. Yes, they are what we call dim sims. Yes, that white stuff is rice, no, it is not maggots. No, you do have to pay for you meal...

you get the point.

However, i have an open mind. i know this because sometimes stuff falls out. ba bomsh.

So if you have indeed had an edible meal at this restaraunt, please advise. Leave you name and address so i can send an ambulence.

Cafe Vue de Monde

I have heard a lot of good things about Cafe Vue, from other blogs, from the Age's "Good Food Guide" so i thought i would try it. The recommended and most talked about item on the menu was the "Lunch box" and for $15 i thought i would try it. When i went it consisted of:

Starter Scotch quail egg
Salad Broad bean salad
SavouryDuck cassoulet pastie

Sweet Classic trifle

In short ive had better. Like the quail egg? Was tough! The broad bean salad was delicious, the pastie was cold and boring and VERY SMALL and the classic trifle, tho delicious, was not really satisfying.

So just thought i would put that out there, as currently i am quite hungry and this would not be my first choice. However, if your mums coming into town to see you it might be a good place, as The RESTARAUNT Vue is quite famous, though a fair bit more expensive (we're talking like not getting change from a hundread)

Phoenician Bakery

Just a quick post to tell you guys about a bakery on Sydney Rd that is very, very cheap.

I took my friend Rhio here when she came to visit me at the share house and it got her AOK. Its called a bakery but its more of a supermarket/pizza shop. We both had the pizza, i had half cheese half meat. The cheese is very delicious and the meat looks like its got a bit of carrot and onion as well and its all very fine and tasty. The best part about it is that you can get a pizza and a can of coke for $5. Cant beat it, very filling.

Across the road is Balhas, the famous Lebanese Sweet store. They are good but i actually preffer Hawat, near the corner of Sydney and Moreland rd. Its gotten a bit embarrasing for me there, as i go almost every day and get more than one :) This is a pic of the sweets from Hawat.

Im at uni, its exams, Is it ok if i take a while to post?

Ill admit it: I went back to Ganache. Who can blame me? They are the epitome of good chocolate.

I bought a big version of the Hazelnut fan slice to have as my birthday cake. Long story short: my three friends and i ended up eating it on the side of the road whilst we waited for a tow truck. It was good enough to bring my friend Teo, whos car had broken down and was going to cost a thousand dollars to fix, out of his car-kickingly bad mood :) Did i mention that it could have fed eight but we four did just fine?

And it was just as good as i remembered. We are all now Ganache converts and any time i mention it to them they make a "uerhhhhhhh" sound that i interpret to mean "oh, dear lord, if i had that cake right now...."

but ive been back another time. James and i got the tasting plate to share and oh, dear lord, WHAT AWESOME VALUE! Value FTW! 15 bucks and you could buy up the entire store almost! We got like 6 of their oh-so-awesome chokkies and our choice of ice cream (James chose strawberry chocolate which i thought was going to be disgustingly rich with all the other stuff on the plate but wasnt, it was just absolutely awesome like everything else in this shop) and 70% chocolate spoons, which i didnt eat at the time as i was really full but took one home and had it the next day. DELICIOUS.

We also got to pick a cake and i know, i know. I should have chosen Hazelnut fan slice. Why did i mess with a favorite? WHY?

It was for you, dear reader. Im not going to lie. Its ALL YOUR FAULT.

Aesthetically it was pleasing, and the raspberry stuff on top was really, really, really good. But there was too much moose and the bottom was too fluffy. I know, i know. Even one moose is too much.
I am a bad speller and i give my hearty apologies. The cake, of course, had too much mousse.

I mean, if you like air this might have been good for you but me? I like chocolate. So i still prefer the Hazelnut.

But fear not. I shall tread on in the name of art and continue to go to Ganache and try new cakes.