So I haven't logged on for a while and when I do, WHAM!, I'm slapped in the face by millions of adoring and angry fans who want to know Why? WHY! have i stopped writing posts.
The answer is simple. This is a blog about cheap food in Melbourne, written by a student for students... and I'm not studying but WORKING (a lot!) atm so... thats why.
Yeah, i dont really have time for your neediness.
But, a little known fact about my lovely self is that i think there should DEF be a "Melbourne on a shoestring" guide and so i thought i should outline some of the unique characters you may encounter in Melbourne. You know. Just to do my bit.
And there are a few main types...
The Gucci Asian:
(Disclaimer: I do not think all Asians do this. Its just that these people happen to come from Asia and do this. White people do this but they are just weird rich white people. They are not Gucci Asians.)
I work in Carlton, yeh? And what famous uni is in Carlton? Melbourne Uni. And who can afford to go to Melbourne uni? rich Asians. And REALLY really really smart... other people.
So the Gucci Asians habitat is Carlton, Melbourne Uni and thats about it. Wanna know why? Coz they can actually afford to live in the middle of the city. Granted, they live in tiny apartments, but still.
They derive their name from the often toted complementary-with-purchase gucci store bag. Now, im not saying that whats in this brown and gold bag is ACTUALLY gucci. It could be their modestly prepared lunch. But the point is that They wear head to toe labels. Ie on a typical gucci asian you will see: Burberry cap, ralf lauren polo, jeans, gucci shoes and a gucci satchel.
I dunno, do i look like an expert?
well, actually i kinda do but its more the glasses than anything.
(Disclaimer: not all people who behave in this manner are vegans, and not all vegans behave in this manner. But by god, if it was a Venn Diagram... baby, they'd be closer then Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt on a promo tour)
Oh, god. The vegans...
S0 your walking down Brunswick St, yeah? And your thinking your pretty cool. And your marvelling at all the really cool, weird little niche stores. And you think to yourself, Aint it grand that Melbourne encourages you to be a little different? And not in a mass-emo sort of way.
You accidentally walk into Pretentious Central. Yep, those clothes are feral. Yep, that price tag does not have a tiny invisible dot point. It really is 400 dollars. Yes, it does look like its selling the wardrobe off The Matrix.
The only label accepted to be seen on a Vegan is Ray Bans, and they're Vintage, so you cant have them.
See, the vegan hates it when it looks like they are wearing a label. They hate it when the look like they care about their appearance. They're sort of the only child of the universe.
Thats why they wear only shades of grey. Thats why there is a secret love affair going on between vegans and peroxide. Thats why the amount of hair shaved off is in direct proportion to their perceived cool factor. Thats why they wear thin leather shoes that were very popular in 1930s Russia.
Coz, you see, Vegans are just as shallow as us. Thats what makes them so annoying. They are like emos except they are adults.
(Another thing they have in common with emos is that they are all pretty skinny.)
Thats their native call sign.
(Disclaimer: you know what? these people really are dicks. Im sticking to my guns on this one.)
Oh, when you see one youll know. You just wanna punch/shake them when you do. And, for some bizzaro reason, they seem to haunt public transport, shouting something ridiculous or laughing at decibels only dogs can hear at something inane.
Sorry. They just.... Yep.
TheRichList have phones attached at the palm and seem to do ordinary daily tasks without putting them away. They eat, they chat, they... well ive never really seen them do anything other than that, but i assume that whatever else they may do they do not put their phone away.
They are sort of the antithesis of the Vegan. They wear head to toe labels. Their plain white tee? Its from Sass&Bide.
The gladiator flats?
Smell Chanel? Oh, I bet you do.
Anyways, their naturally habitat is South Yarra and Toorak. Oh, and if jail bait is a problem for you check photo ID if they look younger then 35. Coz the median age of these girls? About 16.
For some reason they have great skin, hair and bodies. I think its all their money that does it.
Bridge & Tunnel
(Disclaimer: Not all people from the burbs who come into the city on weekends are like this, but again. Use a little imagination and a bit of common sense and youll have to agree with me.)
Oh, you kids. Or should i say, yous kids. Coz mispronunciation of common words is like a thing with these people.
The Women: They drive crappy white cars, left school at 16, have a close personal friend who got pregnant before that time, wear hair extensions that are longer than their dresses and look as those their blush was applied via the Paint application.
Daa Men Mate: Oh, GHD love these little critters. For some reason they think its a good idea to randomly bleach parts of their hair. I dont know why... and then they straighten it. They go to the hairdressers and show pictures of porcupines and say "Bro, i want that. Sick as." Again, not sure why. It kinda looks like a modern mullet. Less business tho, more D***head. They think that ten year old Nissan Skyliners are the best car. They refer to their friends as Coz. Whilst starting drunken fights with them.
They come in and perform their mating rituals at Crown Casino. They think its a good idea to start fights with bouncers. Its not.